My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
