I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
