Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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