some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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