margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
