two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
