Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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