I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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