Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
