the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.