Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality