I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
