I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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