covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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