so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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