I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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