I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
