i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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