dude i'm inner monologue high
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
