I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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