oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
