ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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