I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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