im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
