Only a mothe r could love this liver
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
