the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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