so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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