It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
