so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
