The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
