A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
