If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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