they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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