Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dicks are not precious.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
