i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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