I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
40s are totally the cure
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
not ubering you a puppy
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
