I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
