I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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