Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
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He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
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Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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