2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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