in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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