I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
