Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize