i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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