Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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