Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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