If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
