We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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