i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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