Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
