im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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