I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just cropdusted the office
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize