My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
