Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
