I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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