Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
