OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
