Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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